Failure is not an option
Part 1
The shame behind the culture of “Failure is not an option”
05/16/2024
In the 1995 film “Apollo 13”, actor Ed Harris uttered the line “Failure is not an option” as NASA flight director Gene Kranz. His statement was in regards to the daunting task of returning the Apollo 13 crew home after a near fatal accident on it’s journey to the moon in 1970. The line became famous and frequently repeated as a mantra for success. When my family visited the NASA Space Center in Houston years later, my wife bought a coffee mug with that quote emblazed on it’s side. While I understood the urgency behind that statement in the NASA control room, I became troubled by the message it sent as a popular catchphrase. When failure is no longer an option, what do we do when we inevitably fail?
Failure is a word that has occupied my thoughts quite a bit over my lifetime. I have hardly been immune to it’s effects and have endured numerous scars at it’s hands. In business on a number of occasions, I failed to land sales opportunities, lost clients and made decisions that proved to have lasting negative consequences. In marriage, more times that I care to admit my behaviors have hurt my wife and created distance between us. As a father, I have spoken words or taken actions that have likely left a painful mark on my children regarding their failures. It’s uncomfortable when I recall each time I've stumbled, but suffice to say that failure has made frequent stops at my door. There have been times in my life I have been haunted by those failures, unable to escape the resulting emotions and impact on my self-esteem.
In any area that matters to us, we can feel guilt and shame regarding the internal conflict we have between our actions and our values and the suspicion that our failure makes us just a little less lovable each time we fall. Whenever we feel the need to hide our thoughts, actions or behaviors - that is shame at work. Shame thrives in the secret, hidden places in our heart. Shame grows like mold behind the masks we wear to hide our failures.
In order to overcome the corrosive effects of shame, we must combat that natural reaction to hide. Renowned shame researcher Dr. Brené Brown has been studying shame for over 20 years. In her research she discovered that acceptance and connection with others was not found in hiding our failures so others only saw our successes, but rather in being vulnerable about those failings. Her research showed that those who live with joy and hope are the ones who don’t run from the truth, but own the messy details of their story. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she states:
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”
Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
The willingness to tell our stories, feel the pain of others, and stay genuinely connected in this disconnected world is not something we can do halfheartedly. To practice courage, compassion, and connection is to look at life and the people around us, and say, ‘I’m all in.'”
We’ll never be comfortable with failure, but we can choose what to do with it. Maybe you learn from it. Maybe you laugh about it. Maybe you reframe it so that you don’t see it quite so negatively. Whatever your approach, in order to avoid the destructive power of shame, vulnerability and honesty need to be in the mix. Without it, we'll find ourselves gasping for genuine connection while desperately struggling to stay afloat in a sea of shame. Being so open and honest is frightening, even for those who make a habit of it. At a minimum, it requires the development of safe relationships where trust and vulnerability are valued. Maybe you are surrounded by those types of relationships already. Maybe you are seeking them out within work, church or outside organizations like Celebrate Recovery. Or, maybe this is an area of uncertainty for you. Whatever the case, commit yourself to developing and nurturing those types of relationships so that when failure strikes, you can safely discuss it and effectively combat the toxic effects of shame.
In truth, the mission control team failed repeatedly in their attempts to return the Apollo 13 crew. The film documents countless efforts that failed to discover the right combination of actions to tackle each problem they faced. Eventually, they were successful in returning the crew home alive.
Failure. No matter who you are, that word evokes a response or triggers a memory. For most, that response or memory is negative, maybe even traumatic. The word failure speaks so much to us. We are taught as a child that failure is bad. It will cause us to face rejection, ridicule and embarrassment. Perhaps we learned this at the hands of our parents, teachers or from other children. Regardless of where, it’s indelibly written on our hearts that failure is dangerous and diminishes our value. It has been reinforced time and again and it’s the reason we all wear masks to hide our imperfections and mistakes.
In Part 2, I’ll discuss shame versus guilt and combating criticism, including your worst critic.